Classic misdirection wins every time. (June 2017)

So I have been struggling recently with holding the peace with the girls lately. The moment I turn my back, one of them has lunged at the other and caused an epic screaming match. I’ve tried the full spectrum of intervention/discipline from calm, directive language to withholding things to full on hollering and even my mother’s famous clenched teeth, low voice growl– which initially scared the shit out of them but now they just mock me with it. Last night, I had just had it. The girls had–for all intents and purposes–a great day crafting, playing and watching mega awesome movies (Karate Kid and Willow). They had also had no less than 50 fights (seriously, imagine having a great time building an office fort with your co-worker, laughing and collaborating and then your bat-shit crazy co-worker just pokes you in the eye…..this is the type of WTF crap these two do to each other). I was done. The Kraken came up to me and bluntly said, “I’m going to get more candy.” She had already over consumed, thanks to someone (cough, her father) buying her a giant Nerd Rope and it somehow making its way into the healthy snack drawer when he dropped them off. “No. You’re not,” I dead pan retorted, “Now sit down and watch the movie with us.” She clenched teeth, low voice growled at me, “I’m. Getting. More. Candy.” I loudly exhaled, mentally eye rolled and just leveled with her, “Look, let’s just call a spade a spade here, babe. If you eat more candy, it’s going to make you sick and likely vomit. And let’s face it, you’ve had enough stomach troubles today. I don’t want to clean up vomit after cleaning up after your massive poop in the bathroom that somehow, I don’t know how, GOT ON THE WALL! Ok? So no candy.” I went to sip my wine to punctuate the end of the conversation. She grabbed me face with both hands, locked eyes with me and, in the most authoritative voice she had, said, “HEY! We DO NOT eat poop in this house!!” Emily, absent from the entire conversation and submerged in the movie, surfaced only to take her side, “Yea, Mom. That’s super gross”.
Seriously, I feel like I am taking crazy pills. All the time.