Because parents, in any large gathering, are just assholes. (December 2015)
Well done to my sweet Emily on her Holiday concert today!! She was brilliant and energetic—singing 100% in sync and nailing the choreography. She waved to us after her performance–all smiles and excited for winter break. I wish I can say I felt the same. One would think that watching a gym full of adorable children sing about the fun of the season would leave me all warm and fuzzy, maybe even a bit teary-eyed from the overwhelming waves of sweetness. Nooooope. Thanks to the parents, who shall from here out be referred to as “The Kluge of Assholes” (KOA’s), I left white knuckled with a desire to commit vehicular homicide. First, like Europeans on a Ryan Air flight, everyone bum rushed the gym to get the seats in the two front rows. Those who didn’t can be grouped into three categories: 1) the polite people who orderly took seats in other rows, 2) the somewhat-polite people who moved to the sides to get their view and 3) the KOA’s who lumped themselves, armed with IPADs and large tablets directly behind the music director, cutting off the view of those sitting. No worries, I thought. I can see Emily and have a straight shot to record her musical genius. The kindergarteners were second to last so I just relaxed and people-watched the group shuffle back and forth as one parent after another bumped their way through the group holding their IPAD over their head until they could get to the front. Eventually the shuffling was so bad that they bumped into the music director, almost knocking her into the kids and forcing her assistant to use his body to blockade the crowd, mouthing the words “back it up, back it up” so as not to disrupt the kids. I snickered and readied my phone for filming. The kindergarteners stood up to sing which prompted the second row—now known as the second group of KOA’s–to stand as well. Emily disappeared instantly and all I had to video was the fleshy backs of women who obviously didn’t understand that simply staying in your seat and leaning slightly to the right or left could get you a clean shot of your kid. To make matters worse, they held their phones, IPADs and tablets over their head despite the fact that the first row remained seated. Their move created a domino effect in the crowd as parents lost their perfect shot—and all decorum–frantically moving seats and phone angles to catch a small glimpse of their kindergartener singing about snow and wearing a construction paper hat. I found my anger levels rising and for an instant thought I would throw something at the second row KOA’s. I actually briefly looked in my purse for something less valuable and non-attributable to throw. I finally gave up when I found that I could watch Emily through the phone of another parent’s phone and took my seat just in time for the guy sitting next to us answer his phone. Judging by his attire and flip phone, I made the hasty assumption that he was not in a life-saving vocation—such as a doctor—and could have probably let it go to voicemail. He rumbled on for a minute before Mongo asked him to take the call outside. “Ok buddy,” he replied and kept yammering on. I’m not sure what Mongo said to him next but I can only assume it went, “Hey, flip phone. Close it or I’ll crush it” and the man hurriedly hung up and began to stare in the opposite direction. When the concert ended, the children listened attentively and followed instructions. The parents—not so much as the KOAs bum rushed the kids instead of leaving the gym as they were instructed to do. Annoyed at the blatant disregard for common courtesy, simple directions and the fact that the “Holiday” concert’s musical program centered on celebrating snow days (no mention of any holiday what-so-ever–and to a degree–promoting laziness), I mentally committed to sending Emily to a private Catholic school next year where we passive-aggressively guilt each other into courteous behavior, no one uses a goddamn IPAD to film their offspring and kids sing about the goddamn birth of Christ at Christmas. And now to confession for the gratuitous over-use of the GDs.