Late night flights with small children. Just. Don’t. Do. It. (July 2015)

In an attempt to have an uneventful flight and get to my parents in time for my mother’s birthday, I selected a 7:30pm flight to Colorado. I imagined Emily and The Kraken blissfully slipping into a slumber at the roar of take off whereby I would read my book and thoughtfully sip a scotch. Worst. Fucking. Decision. Ever. The flight was delayed and we took off at 9pm. No problem, I thought as we boarded, the grumpy kids will be out in no time. By the time we landed in Atlanta, I had two rows singing the “itsy bitsy spider” to keep The Kraken from screaming while Emily sobbed next to me angrily upset that we were going to “Atlantis” not Colorado. The fact that it was just a quick stop in Atlanta to pick up more passengers did nothing to quell the flood of whimpering. My book remained at the bottom of my purse and I chugged a Fat Tire. I thought, after everyone debarked, that the quiet would help transform my grumpalufaguses into slumbering babes but shortly after the last person left, something snapped in The Kraken and she began to scream. In a glass shattering tone. It sounded like she was being slowly eaten by a bear. The flight attendants each stopped by to offer assistance and/or food. I asked for a karari dart to shoot into her neck. The flight crew discussed delaying the boarding until I could calm her down but we were already an hour late. Just as the first passenger of a fully booked flight stepped onboard, The Kraken skipped “batshit” and went full “Death blossom”. It was as if I was holding a 36 pound baby cougar- she screamed, bit, scratched, hair pulled and ninja slapped anything in front of her including goldfish, her bottle and a coloring kit the flight attendant tried to bribe her with. Emily stared wide eyed, noting to me, “Mom, she’s just super angry. I don’t think she likes you right now.” She then suggested that she may cry too to which I death stared at her and sharply snapped, “Don’t freaking you dare!”.  No less than five Moms offered support and three of which just offered “their prayers”. The Kraken finally broke just as we were pulling out from the gate and I noticed that the seat next to me was still shockingly empty which meant that someone either missed the flight or, in the more likely scenario, was the last person on board, saw what the next 3 hours would be like and said, “well, fuck that” and departed the plane. The flight attendants whispered the safety instructions so “not to wake the baby” who was now just sleep growling on my lap. The Kraken woke up for a minute and send some screams down range prompting the flight attendants to sing “rock a bye baby” over the 1MC. The flight attendant brought me a glass of water which The Kraken later kicked into my purse, gluing the book pretty much shut. But they did bring me a scotch later where the flight attendant confessed that she had “been flying for 15 years and never seen anything like that before”. I stared at my feet as everyone deplaned, avoiding eye contact as much as I could and loaded the girls in the double stroller and headed for baggage claim to meet my mom and sister. Mom, who had been hanging out by the passengers from my flight remarked at my now snoring offspring, “I guess some baby had a really hard time on the plane.” Pretty sure I shaved 3 years off my life last night.